reason #247320885 for my insanity

GRRR!!!

Let me start by saying that my husband reads my blog, so sorry, but I need to vent a little. Dave is wonderful, and I love him with my whole heart, but right now, our living situation is a little strange, and he's not around during the week...it'll change soon, though.

My thoughts for the day...

Gosh, I'm so tired!
I love that baby girl that's crying 10 feet away from me.
I wonder if I can actually make it through this day?
Man, it would be nice if I wasn't the only one who took care of this child between the hours of 5 pm and 7 am.
It would be great to have a little help...
to not be the only one who got up with her all FOUR times she was up last night!
I LOVE this little thing that sucks the life out of me more than anything in the world!
I WILL make it through the day.
I don't want to go to work and leave my baby ALL day long.
I want to stay with her...maybe then I will be able to spend more quality "play" time with her. I'm lucky I get the time with her that I do.
I'm lucky that she's happy and healthy!
I love her!
I miss my husband!
I love him!
I miss my home.
I don't feel at home here.
I don't know if I will feel at home here.
I don't want to rent a nasty old crack house.
I bet it's going to be hard to find something decent to rent here.

(here is when I think about work for about 30 minutes...maybe!)

Then I go through it all over and over again. This is my list of current thoughts. Sad, huh? I have a list. I think it's all my brain can handle at once. The act of thinking has actually become a challenging task to me...with the new job, I don't have to utilize that skill as often as I used to! Bummer...hope I don't lose it forever! I could be in trouble if that's the case!

So- in case you haven't figured out yet...I'm having some major second thoughts about this move. Dave is frustrated with me...he doesn't want the last few months to have been for nothing. I don't know what to think. Right now all I know is that I don't feel happy here. I honestly don't know if it's just because he is not here, if it's because Aila and I are living in the guest room at my parents house part-time, or if it's because I'm not GOING to be happy here. I don't really like my job, but I knew that I wouldn't. This move wasn't really for the job; we just decided to go ahead with the move because the job presented itself and it was an opportunity... I have prayed and prayed over our house, and for some reason, God has not sent a buyer our way yet, which means we are going to have to rent. There aren't a lot of options for rent in smaller communities, and the properties that are available are pretty yucky...OF COURSE...just as my kid is getting ready to start crawling...all over the floor of the meth lab house! It would be so easy to turn around and go back...my old job is even still available...and I've had a few babysitting offers...don't know how serious they are, but really, child care would be the only thing I would have to figure out. It just seems like it would be so easy....

OK- here are the reasons we wanted to make this move
1. We have both agreed that we want to raise our children in a smaller community...well, guess what, we have one of those now!
2. Eventually I want to be able to spend much more time at home and less time at work. It will be much easier for us to be able to afford that in a smaller community.
3. My family is nearby. My brother's kids are just a couple of years older than Aila.
4. I, at one point, thought I wanted a slower paced life...being able to run to the store and back in 15 min. (What I didn't think about was that the store wouldn't have the things I need. What I had thought about, but didn't realize how much it would bother me, was that the stores I need aren't there either!)
I think I've covered the main points...
And, yes, those points are all still the case...except you can see my problem with #4. Here's my thought, though....the smaller town will still be able to offer all of those benefits in a couple years....when Dave is done with school and won't be paying $4/gal of gas to commute 2 hours to school (4 hrs round trip) 2 or 3 days a week. We can sell our home, and move together as a family....we can make the move on our terms...in our time. If I could go back in time, I would tell the new job, "New Job, you will have to wait your turn. As my husband and child come first, I WILL NOT come visit you daily until our house has sold, and my family can come with me to be closer to you!" BUT- can't do that...too late...so what now?
I guess it's time to quit complaining and respect Dave's decision in this. I only hope I can adjust quickly and find peace in this decision.